Jasyn's Weekly Entries

I first want to say that you are a blessing to me, that you are my son and will always be such now and forever, however my dearest Andrew, I have mourned your passing for the past 2 years now. I wanted to so badly have you in my arms and embrace you as a father should always be able to embrace his own flesh and blood, and for someone who has only in my life for only a day, your memory and my love for you will always remain til the day I also pass from this life as well.

My son, I feel for these past two years like as if your death was somehow my responsibility. That your death as a direct result of somehow my sins that have come to hurt the ones I love. I bore your death like a cross that I had to bare with me every day. I look back and realize now that I made the decicions that I did was to ultimately protect you from a brutal and harsh life that would only result in more pain and suffering that you would have experienced. Andrew, I was presented with a decision that is almost impossible decision that no father should ever be presented with, a decision with no real right answer. To either kill their son to prevent them more pain, or to let them live and chance their suffering for the remaining moments of life. I had to make a decision on the spot Andrew, I had no chance to think, I know in my head I made the right decision, but in my heart I feel as if I never gave you the chance to live. What has plagued my mind the last two years is that the one decision I had to make as a father, was to end the life of my son.

Andrew, I am telling you all this because after 2 years of tears and the oceans it has created in my heart, I’m ready to finally move forward. I can never replace you, and you will always have a place in my heart, but Andrew, I need to stop crying for you now. My son, for someone who has only been in my life for one day, you will leave an impact that will last my lifetime. Andrew, I have my future ahead of me. So again a father must make an impossible choice, Andrew I must stop crying for you and mourning your death. I’m sorry. If you were alive today, I’d do anything for you and help you develop into the man I know you could be, but as painful as it is that will never happen now. So please forgive me so that I can pass that experience to your brothers or sisters.

Andrew, your memory will always live on within myself and your mother, I love you so much that my words will never express. This is something I need to do for me to move on my son. I’m telling you all this in hopes that you will understand that I’m ready. I’m ready to keep you in my past instead of hoping for a future with you, I’m ready to start thinking of trying to start a familiy again; and in order for me to give my love and devotion to them I need to save my tears from you. I do not know if you will understand this, if you will forgive me, or if you’ll even see this; but please understand this decision is to help your father start a new life. Andrew, my heart has been broken but now it is time for me to pick up the pieces. Thank you Andrew, you have given me the greatest gift a son can give to his father, and that was showing me what kind man that I have become! For that I’m eternally grateful.

With all My Love,