I hate entries like this… When I just have to step back hold my chest and collect my breath after being delivered a blow straight to my gut…
On Wednesday (yesterday) Jenn’s water broke while she and I were at work… She went to the hospital and Jenn’s mother and father pulled me out of my shift to let me know the news… We went down to the hospital and come to find out that it was true, the baby’s fluid broke and now was just time before baby Andrew would be brought into this world… She was transferred to St. Joseph’s Hospital (which was the hospital I was born in)… Well they had a room for us, and basically let us know that the idea was to keep Jenn pregnant as long as possible, the problem was that Jenn was 22 weeks pregnant but the key number was 24 weeks for the baby to have a honest chance of surviving because the baby did not have lungs developed yet… They wanted to keep her over night and said I would be able to stay at the hospital, but at midnight they actually kicked me out to move her to another room…. This was very unsettling to say the least…
Then came the next day… which will live in my mind the rest of my life… When I arrived at the hospital came the worst possible news… Jenn was in labor and would deliver the baby at any time and the baby would have virtually no chance to survive… Jenn had to be induced and at about 5:29PM Andrew made his entrance into this world… and no sooner did he arrive he left… Andrew was a stillbirth… I was there to witness the whole thing… Andrew Michael Blair… Jennifer and I came to this after a very short deliberation… There were many there to witnesses Andrew’s short appearance in this world like Jenn’s parents, my brother, Jenn’s siblings, and my aunt with her boyfriend Monte…. I also got to do one more important thing before giving up Andrew for good, the one thing I wanted more than anything was to take my son to a Diamondbacks game, though this was not a possibility I still held him in my arms as we watched the game on TV…
Jennifer and I had about 4 hours to hold him and say our goodbyes to the son we were unable to care for and raise… With my parents out of town we decided to cremate him so that both our parents will be there when we spread Andrew’s ashes… I have never felt so much hurt and pain when I lost my son… but honestly I can’t even begin to imagine how much pain Jennifer is in, to have a life grow within her only to have him for such a short time… My heart goes out to Jennifer, but all I can do is be there for her… Which even though I am hurting deep in my soul I will be every bit of man that Jennifer needs me to be so that we can continue our lives and eventually try again in another point…
Unlike in the past where I have been lied and crushed by a selfish people, Jennifer has been the only person my whole life that has been upfront and honest with me and this baby was a true symbol of our love… Although unfair by nature, things just were not meant to be, and again the era of JASON strikes again… This is my life… and as usual I am left to pick up the pieces and move on once again… But if there is one thing I can take out of this, is that I know that Jennifer is truly a person to strive to keep in my life… Jennifer I am truly sorry that things turned out this way and we will have our chance once again! I promise!
Well I can only hope that this is the climax for this year, that nothing is on the horizon for another tradegy in my life… I don’t know how much I can take if this continues… I might put up a tough exterior but I feel so frail and weak from this year that a stiff breeze could knock me back and break me… and to Andrew, I will always love and remember you til the day I die!
[ Andrew Michael Blair (born July 26, 2007 - Died July 26, 2007) Family lives forever! ]
Stay cool everyone, and thank you to my true friends, the ones who stuck it out with me and actually leave me lines every now and then just to keep in touch! Believe me it is very much appreciated!